May 20, 2023Personal Growth

3: Ask, Don't Assume

What's your attachment style?

Recently, I found out that mine is anxious/preoccupied, which is one of the three insecure attachment styles. Some of the classic signs of the anxious/preoccupied attachment style include the following:

  • an overly negative view of oneself
  • the need for external validation
  • the struggle to trust loved ones, and;
  • the overwhelming fear of being abandoned.

After learning about this, I've slowly started becoming aware of my initial reaction to circumstances and regulating my emotions better and quicker.

One of the valuable lessons I've been trying so hard to practice to develop a more secure attachment style is to ask, not assume.

For years, my immediate response to uncomfortable feelings and uncertainty is to assume that people will always leave me or hurt me or betray me (if not now, maybe eventually). I also assume that people think negatively of me (just like how I myself think negatively of me). As a result, I often start unnecessary conflicts and bring drama to the table.

But lately, I noticed how helpful it is in regulating my emotions to just stop, breathe, and ask what the other person actually feels or means or thinks—instead of jumping to conclusions and interpreting the situation through the lens of my anxious/preoccupied attachment style.

💭 When was the last time you asked instead of assuming? When was the last time you jumped to conclusions instead of calming down and asking for clarifications?

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